All Anyone Wants is to Be Validated

I’m going to say something very honestly because I feel that someone needs to say it. I am Catholic, and faithful to all the teachings of the Catholic Church. I understand the Sacrament of Marriage and I have come to understand why two people of the same-sex can not be in one. THAT BEING SAID: Christians, you have to understand that most gay people have been bullied at some point in their life by someone calling themselves a Christian and using all of those Bible verses to judge and condemn them. It is still happening. I’ve seen the stupidest memes going around in the last few days. (From both sides) the thing is that unless we listen to each other, we will not get anywhere and we will continue to hurt one another. The fact of the matter is that when you say that “every child deserves a mother and a father” what they hear is you saying is that they are deviants who will raise gay babies. It does not matter how many times you say that is not what you are saying, it doesn’t matter how many memes you post saying that you are their “friend” because what they hear you saying is that they are perverts. And some Christians are ACTUALLY saying that! WTF?! I understand the meaning of the word, and using that meaning means we are ALL perverts, because we are ALL sinners.

This debate makes me so sad because I really do feel like I’m in the middle of a bar fight between my family and my friends and everyone is throwing beer bottles at one another. My best friend’s son is gay, my closest friends are gay, my cousin is gay, my favorite hairdresser is so gay it is not even funny. I love them all and when you say things like “they are so wounded” I get why they want to punch you in the face. We are all wounded. Gay people are not any more wounded or blind than the rest of us. Most of ya’ll are pro-life, and would never tell a post abortive woman that she murdered her child to her face when counseling her, and if you do think that is ok, then shame on you and get to confession. Treat gay people with the same respect. And always remember that if you are representing our LORD then you are expected to act better. I’ve seen the 2 yr old “well they started it” BS going around too. It doesn’t matter, if you can’t enter into a discussion about same-sex marriage without coming off as a rude jerkface then don’t get into one, and if you do then please help the rest of us out and don’t claim to be Catholic. If you use Leviticus as your “Scripture Reference” then I’m talking to you.

As for online discussions, I would say that you have to remember that the internet is tone-deaf so when you type “homosexual” they are reading it and the voice in their head is saying it like the person who hurt them the most says it. That is just human tendency….

I really do not think that Christians ever really really put themselves in the shoes of gay people in this debate. And we have to if we are ever going to make the case that we love them, which is the case that as Catholics we should be trying to make. They will never allow us in their heart when they feel that we do not accept them the way they are. We have to meet people where they are, regardless of where that is. We have to listen more and talk less. Listen to their stories and not judge them and say in our minds “Oh THAT must be why he/she is gay”.  I have seen what gay people endure in school. It is not pretty. It is horrific.

All of that is the evil one who wants us to stay in judgment mode, because the whole time he is tempting us with that he is whispering in their ear as well. He is reminding them of every single Christian who has ever hurt them in any way, and about all the news stories of how much Catholic suck. You are not fighting that person in front of you, regardless of what their issues are, you are in a battle with the evil one. I think that when we forget that, then we fail and start attacking the person we are talking to. That is sparky’s entire goal.

It is pride that makes us think that we have to “win” this debate and end the conversation with this person rejecting their ways of living and giving their life to Jesus or we have somehow failed. That is not true. God is working in this person’s life. How it all works out in the end is up to that person. Our salvation is not dependent on what they choose. God respects their free will to make their own choices, we have to respect that too. It is their life to live and their choices to make. God gave them that gift, who are we to take it away? Nobody, and we couldn’t do so no matter what. God does not call us to win debates, He calls us to serve. To serve everyone, regardless of their shortcomings.

4 years ago I was living with my boyfriend, going to swingers clubs, drinking myself stupid, neglecting my children and committing some of the most serious sins that a person can commit. Now, I’m sitting here in love with Jesus, and my life is a complete 180 from that life. God did this. I just got tired and quit fighting Him. He loves all the people we talk to more than we could ever even imagine to love them. He has a plan for them and for us, and all we have to do is trust in His love and that they will one day accept that plan. But for now, the most important thing to do with anyone who is lost is to listen to them, to love them, to hug them, to wash their feet and to serve them. All anyone wants is to be validated. Gay or straight, that is something we all want.

Today as we meditate upon the Passion of our Lord let us pray that He can forgive us for the sins that we all commit without knowing.  It is at the foot of the Cross where Mercy is found. Let us draw from His Mercy and share it with others.


8 thoughts on “All Anyone Wants is to Be Validated

  1. Thanks for writing this. But I am wondering… what do we say in the national debate regarding legalizing same-sex marriage if we can’t point out any of these things (I don’t mean Bible verses, but the intellectual discussions on whether or not this is best for children?). Perhaps I am wrong here, but to me, discussing the legal aspect of same-sex marriage is very different than simply discussing being gay or listening to a friend talk about their personal life. And this is where I am very stuck… because while I would never say certain things to my gay family members and friends, I personally feel gagged and tied on even entering the broader national debate. I feel like we’re all expected to just sit on our hands for fear of being called “bigots” and never speak up while major legal decisions about marriage are being made that will impact not just those who desire same-sex marriage but the entire nation. Basically, I am just very, very frustrated and feel stuck.


  2. I agree, and I understand that stuck feeling.

    My priest gave a great homily on Palm Sunday about how bold Christ was to the men who arrested Him and to Pilate and Herod. He did not lose His dignity, even though from the outside it may have looked that way. He gave Himself up freely.

    I think we can be bold, we can have this discussion without resorting to the childish tactics of memes and profile pictures. I think that our faith provides us with all the tools to be able to be charitable and truthful at the same time.

    I would also say that we have to take our emotions out of the discussion, because personally, that is my downfall. I know to walk away when I feel attacked. It is also important to listen to what they want without being scared that if we hear them that we are somehow approving.

    Honestly, we lost the definition of marriage debate when this country allowed birth control and divorce to be legal. Personally, I do not feel that anything except teaching what marriage and love is to our kids in our parishes is going to turn things around. That doesn’t mean we shouldn’t speak up, but we should be prepared for the worst.

    The fundamental problem in this debate is that the majority of people do not understand what marriage is. They can’t even define love! They say that it’s to broad to define. That’s not true. Love is wanting the greatest good for another. It is free, total, faithful and fruitful. That’s where we start. By teaching out kids that. I hope that helps.


  3. I’m in the same boat, Sarah. I have gay friends, and my husband has gay co-workers who I really like, all of whom would never speak to me again if I said I believe marriage is between one man and one woman. Just giving that simple opinion, no vitriol, no bible verses, no insults at all can get “you’re a homophobic bigot” thrown right back at you. So I don’t say anything, I don’t put up any pro-traditional marriage memes or avatars on facebook. And then I feel like a coward. So all I do is pray, and hope that my gay and liberal pro ssm friends adopt a “hate the bigotry, love the bigot” attitude toward me if/when they find out I don’t think gay people can marry.


  4. Okay, thanks for your insight into this (Sarah again!. For a very long I’ve felt the same way – that no-fault divorce in particular was the final blow to marriage being remotely about children, at least in the legal sense. For a very long I’ve been silent because I feel the battle is already lost. And I totally agree… real change is teaching the positives… the beauty of marriage and procreation and love as God designed us to love. I also totally agree that memes, etc are just not effective. And to agree more, haha, I agree that emotions muddy the waters. It was super refreshing to hear the Supreme Court justices debating this because guess what? There was no name-calling, no virtriol, no memes, just honest debate. I wish the rest of us good engage in honest debate.

    I got really stuck yesterday because after the umpteenth equal sign was posted, with FB friends repeatedly throwing out words like “bigotry,” I felt I had to speak up even if it was just to please stop stifling honest discussion and debate with such name-calling. I don’t think I was “heard”, and I am likely seen as an insensitive bigot anyway, but we can try. Sigh.


  5. You’re not clogging it up. LOL!! I rarely ever get discussion going in my com-box! Which is a good thing sometimes. 🙂

    Yes, it goes both ways. To call someone a bigot without even discussing their beliefs with them is just as wrong. I think both sides really need to grow up and listen to one another. It’s beyond frustrating.


  6. Do you actually know that or are you assuming it? I would say that if you’re Catholic then they should understand that is part of your faith and respect that. My friends do. My hairdresser is Catholic and he doesn’t agree with same sex marriage even though he’s gay. I would never have known that he agreed with me if I hadn’t told him how I feel. But it came with the conversation. I don’t think you can just announce it to them either. Lol all my gay friends respect my faith. The funny thing is the straight people who unfriend me over my beliefs on marriage in defense of gay people. That is so dumb to me. But in the end it is about speaking the truth in love at the right time. That’s all we can do. Then leave the rest to God.

    I do think we have to speak, but I think that we have to watch our words when we do. True love isn’t conditional. So if your friends would assume the worst of you and unfriend you, then I hate to tell you this but they aren’t truly your friends to begin with.


  7. I think what you say is very true. We are losing the debate because of pride and hatefulness. It all comes back to love, love, love. If our motivation isn’t out of love for the other person we’ve already lost. We also aren’t representing the Lord with any other approach.


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