There but For the Grace of God

When I got divorced from my first husband at 28 I went a bit crazy. More like wild and crazy. “Free” as the world says. I did what I wanted, how I wanted, with whoever I wanted, however many times I wanted and I said “Only God can judge me”  to myself everyday when I woke up. I had already been promiscuous as a teen, but this time, I was in control and I had a new friend: Grey Goose. I wasn’t being used, I was the one using. That is what I told myself anyway. All of this stuff came back to me because I am attempting to write my conversion story and it’s at the front of my mind. Also, Miley Cyrus at the VMAs happened.

I didn’t watch it as it happened; my oldest son was watching it and  told me about it. Then Facebook exploded and it was all downhill from there.  I’ve read blog after blog about it and had more than a few discussions about it on social media. The reason that it matters to me so much is because I honestly think that our young girls are getting sent into a world that they are not ready for and people like Miley Cyrus who think that it’s all fun and games have no clue what they are setting our daughters up for. I know because I have encouraged plenty of young women to follow in my footsteps; girls who looked up to me when I was acting up and they have paid dearly for it. Giving yourself away to so many men takes something away from women. It changes who a woman is. We are made to be cherished by one man for our whole lives. When that doesn’t happen, we break, no matter how strong we think we are. No matter how much we think that we are special and we can do it.

I read the lyrics to her song and they sound exactly like my thoughts when I was at my worst. I was giving the world the finger by doing whatever it was that I wanted to do. I fell for the lie that if you gave up all sexual inhibitions that you would be free. Hugh Hefner actually said that was the motivation behind creating Playboy: to free women.  Just like the serpent in the desert told Eve that God was lying about the fruit on that tree and if she ate it, she would be free.  He still is lying to us only now it  about sex. That  if we follow His rules we will be oppressed but if we eat that fruit, we will be like God and know the things that He knows. Same old tricks.

And where is the outrage at Robin Thicke? I’ve seen people ask why any of this matters; the reason that it matters is because our sons are listening to this music thinking that their goal in life should be to find a good girl and turn her out. (From the Urban dictionary “Turn out: To turn a good person with minimal or shy sexual experience into a freaky sex hungry nympho”)  Then our daughters start thinking that the way to get attention is to be like Miley and let those boys do whatever they want to them.

I was that girl for most of my life. I feel sorry for the girls of this generation. When I was clubbing I was in my late twenties and early thirties. The brokenness and emptiness that life left in me was almost too much for me to handle. I don’t know how young girls these days will survive. I really don’t.

When I finally watched the video of Miley’s performance what I saw  was myself. Me dancing on the speaker of the club I used to go out to and that I worked at for years. I saw myself acting like a sex crazed nympho with some guy that every other girl thought was hot and cool. (Women do think that about Robin Thicke) I saw myself drunk and acting a damn fool while people watched in shock .What everyone saw Miley doing on Sunday night was what I did almost every night from the age of 18 to 33. I added the Grey Goose when I was 28 and that was like a match to gasoline. If there was video of those nights on that speaker, I wonder how many “good” Catholics would say that I’m disgusting.

I have said many times that I do not blame anyone for the choices that I made. I am fully aware of what I chose to do and who I chose to do it with, those sins stand alone on their own and they were mine to ask forgiveness for. But that doesn’t erase the sins of the men who used me. Why do boys do that to girls and then later on to women? Because we turn a blind eye to it, even now, everyone is talking about Miley, not Robin Thicke or 2 Chainz.

The words to the Robin Thicke song are all about taking a good girl and turning her out. Every song that 2 Chainz sings is about bitches and hoes. It’s not new. It’s been happening for a very long time now. And we are the problem because we dance to that crap, we buy that crap and we let our kids download that crap. If you don’t do any of that but you call people who do “disgusting” or say they have no moral compass, then you are still part of the problem. We, as the Church; the Body of Christ, are supposed to be the ones helping them find it. Not calling them names and patting ourselves on the back for not being “those kinds of people”.

You wanna help Miley Cyrus? Go down to the closest Jr. High to you and start mentoring the students there. Chances are that they don’t have role models that aren’t on TV and their parents would appreciate the help. There are girls all over this country in the 6th, 7th and 8th grades that are getting talked into having sex as I type. I was 14 when I began being sexuality active of my choice. The man who I had sex with was in his mid-twenties. I was in the 8th grade. I know plenty of other girls who I grew up with who had sex in the 7th and 8th grade. Miley isn’t the problem, she is a product of the problem. The problem started a long time ago when the generation before mine thought it would be awesome to be sexually free. Nothing in this world is free, and now this generation is paying for it.

On a last note: If you have children,  then do not make snarky comments about Miley or her parents because there but for the Grace of God. Remember that she is someone’s child and more importantly, she is God’s child. The last thing you want is to wake up one day with your daughter seeking love in all the wrong places, including that laps of men who think it’s ok to make it rain on her while she twerks. Or have one of your sons be the one who thinks it’s cool to treat women that way.


7 thoughts on “There but For the Grace of God

  1. Thank you for writing this. Perfect timing for me…..can’t really explain right now, but just wanted to let you know that God has given me a VERY clear message about something I am wrestling with through your article!


  2. Exactly what I have been thinking. I have read a lot of articles blaming Miley’s parents for her behavior, but it’s a cop out. That’s a point of view suggesting one’s own superiority. We are all to blame. As I watched a video clip from her performance, all I could think was, “That poor girl.” Your last paragraph is right on. Let’s pray for this young woman.


  3. No, pray for them BOTH. Thank you at least for not writing an article solely about the woman’s sin. If she’s responsible for herself, then so is he (or they, I guess there were 2 male performers?). I’ve read too many comments on this (and the high profile rape-then-suicide case in the news) already taking the slightest hint of the woman’s culpability and running with it while giving boys/men as many passes on their own culpability as possible. Simply disgusting, unjust, and unmerciful.


  4. Came late to this piece and via Simcha’s recent repost of a post of hers from last year, but;

    “Chances are that they don’t have role models that aren’t on TV and their parents would appreciate the help.”

    …Sorry to say, not ‘chances’ – facts. Statistically speaking – besides role models, almost ALL the ideas, assumptions, beliefs and whatnot stewing in kids heads about relationships of ALL kinds comes from entertainment media, not from parents, not from family, not from real life. And it’s ever more diabolical, graphic and unrepentantly so. that’s what kids are entertained by, and frankly that’s what many of their parents are entertained by.


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