This will be a highly emotionally fueled 7 Quick Takes, I’m just warning you now.
I’m in this weird place where I am not a cradle Catholic but new converts who are on fire for Jesus and in the Honeymoon stage really make me want to barf. I am sure that it’s mostly jealously that I am no longer in that phase and in the potty training stage for Converts and I have NO DESIRE To use the freaking potty. It’s not them, it’s me and when they try to make me feel better by telling me to search for “Jesus in my heart”, I really want to punch them in the face. Maybe some other converts have been in this potty training stage and can pray for me.
The same thing is happening with newlyweds. For the past few months when I go to confession there is a wedding going on and I have to fight the urge to run up to that happy couple laughing hysterically and telling them to remember this happy moment because it’s all a trick, they will wake up hating their life one day. Mark.my.words.
Apparently life isn’t very easy for me right now, as you can see. This week has sucked. The ups and downs of married life, of being a mother, of being a daughter are all a bit too much for me to handle gracefully at the moment. I would love nothing more than to just drop this whole becoming a saint act and just go get wasted and laid.
I can’t do #3 because I have found the Truth. I sat in front of the Tabernacle in the chapel that I was married in yesterday and I realized that there is no other place for me to go. I have found the words of everlasting life and as much as they FREAK me out, I don’t belong anywhere else but here.
I married my first husband when I was 20 years old. I’m now 36, about to be 37 in 2 months, which means that I’ve dealt with addicts for 17 years now and barely yesterday I figured out that I’m not crazy. Everything I’ve seen in these past 17 years is what addiction is. Including addicts making you feel crazy and making everyone else think you’re crazy. I have no idea what to do except keep sitting in front of the Tabernacle begging Jesus to hear me.
I do wonder though if maybe people give addicts a free pass in saying they have a disease. A very powerful habitual sin fueled by chemical dependency, yes, but a legion of demons can not make us do anything. Our free will is pretty powerful, so somewhere isn’t there a choice that they need to take personal responsibility for? I don’t know, but any thoughts would be greatly appreciated.
I don’t suffer well. I hate suffering, I hate being sad and I hate having my life flipped upside down over something that I have no control over. I really wish that I had some wise words to blog about or a happy 7 QT to write, but I don’t. Life sucks. And even then, in all its suckiness, I know that Jesus is real. I think He might be on a cruise and isn’t receiving my messages, but I know He is real and alive. That knowledge is not based on feelings. If I was basing what I know to be true on feelings, I would say that all of this is just a bunch of bullshit that people make up to feel better about why we suffer. No, my knowledge is based on all the times that I have seen God step in and make things new. Including my life. I know Who to give thanks to for being alive, even in the middle of all this pain: God. He is good.
For more Quick Takes (Hopefully some more cheerful ones) go see Conversion Diary.