This year it has hit me for the first time since becoming Catholic that my sins are the ones that hung my Lord to His Cross.
I have meditated at the foot of the Cross before when I’ve been angry with someone and had to leave my anger and that person there so that I could get off the road to hell that anger was paving. I have left my children, one by one, at the foot of the Cross begging Jesus to keep them safe.
I have thought about the Blessed Mother and Mary Magdalene there crying and weeping watching Jesus get nailed to the Cross and standing with Him until He was taken down and put in Mary’s arms.
But never in four years have I looked up and seen what I did. That every time I chose to hate someone because I don’t like them or because I know of some fault of theirs that makes me feel like I have the right to think myself better than them, that I add a blow to the face of My Lord.
This year I see it.
He didn’t just “die for us”, He handed Himself over to us to kill Him. He knew that I deserved hell, and that there have been many times when I have asked for hell and yet, He died for me to be saved from the depths of hell.
He not only hung on that Cross for me, but He walked into the fires of hell, where I was having a blast and He pulled me out of there. I was kicking and screaming, fighting the idea that I needed saving. But oh, did I ever need to be saved.
I love Him. Even in my brokenness, He died for me. Even when I fail, He loves me. Even when I’m dead wrong, He comforts me.
How can I ever repay Him for what He did for me? And still does for me every day that I wake up? For all His Mercy and Love? I can’t. It’s impossible.
All I can do is offer Him my life.
Jesus is beautiful. He is a great friend and for Him to ever care about saving me when I was so happy to be living in the depths of sin and hell is something I will never understand.
I still fail as a disciple every day. I fail as a wife and as a mother. And it is sad, because I have been blessed beyond anything that I deserve.
Even though I fail, and even though my marriage struggles, He is always there to make things new. Just like He did when He carried His cross and allowed Himself to be hung on it for me and for my sins. It’s what He does.
I sit here today looking at my life and it is beautiful. Beautiful, painful and full of joy.
All I can do is mourn the death of my loving Savior who would die for someone so twisted like me. Who paid the price of all the sins of a lost soul like me. He picked me up, put me on His shoulders and brought me Home.
Oh, Jesus, how I love you.
“Jesus is alive, and what He has done for me, He wants to do for you. He loves you more than you think He does”. Those were the words said by Noe Rocha, my RCIA director when I began RCIA 4 and a half years ago. They changed my life.
I pray that I never forget them. I pray that I never forget what my Lord has done for me and that someway, somehow that anything I share about my life, my struggle, my tears, my brokenness , my sins, and my love for Christ brings other people Home to Him.
It’s all I have to offer to the Man who died on a tree for me. It might not be good enough for some people, but Jesus takes it and that is all that matters to me.
Jesus, my Lord, my Savior, my Beloved, my Friend, my Beautiful Master, my God, my Everything have mercy on me, a sinner. Please give me the Grace to never leave Your side.
Lead me Home.