The anniversary of my best friend’s death is coming up on Cinco de Mayo. Every year is different. This year, I can’t believe that it’s been seven whole years since the last time that I had a beer with Homie. It just seems so crazy. It seems like a whole lifetime ago. Like a whole other life. I miss him everyday and today I remember the last thing he sent to me in a message on MySpace: Live, Love, Laugh.
Love is hard. Anyone who does not understand that sentence doesn’t love in a Christ like way. That may sound judgmental, but it’s just a fact. Anytime that I think I’m crazy for saying that, I just look at Jesus hanging from the Cross and realize “Nope, Love is hard”. Only perfect love casts out all fear, that means that only God’s Love casts out all fears, all human love breeds fear if it’s not rooted in that knowledge. That’s where I’ve been causing my own conflict, I have been scared that God does not really love me and therefore would not look out for me when it comes to love. Stacey will leave me and I’ll be all alone! I kept telling myself. The evil one may have added a few comments in there too. The truth is that no matter what happens, God is always looking out for me. I have to trust that and trust that He is also looking out for my husband and children and live rooted in THAT, not in fear.
Living. Hmmm, I have not been living much lately. I’ve been Facebooking, watching Criminal Minds and eating Little Debbie’s while freaking out about Stacey leaving me. (yes, I know all about co-dependency and I’m working on it.) So, tonight I’m going to a banquet without him. Not as an act of defiance or anger, but just as “You are busy and I want to go to this, so I’m gonna go and I’ll be back.” I never really thought that was possible in marriage. Mostly because when I would leave any man to do something on my own it involved bars, grey goose and getting folded up by the hottest guy that bought me drinks. I’m not that person anymore, and I need to start being scared of her and live my life.
That also means that I’m going to start going to the gym. I can’t really afford Zumba right now and I will never just leave my house and walk around. So I figured that if I went to a $10 a month gym and just walk on the treadmill, I could at-least read and listen to my music, just like I do from my chair, only without gaining more pounds and instead lose a few. I’m tired of not fitting into my clothes.
Laughing. I realized that maybe I’m a bit wrapped up in my suffering when I made my therapist cry. (Seriously, who breaks their therapist?) It wasn’t so much that she was crying, it was the feeling that I got when I realized that I made her cry. Like my suffering made me special. Right then, I saw just how I was holding on to my suffering as some kind of badge of honor instead of offering it up for Jesus to use for whatever He wants. And that is why I have a hard time being around people and laughing. Because I want to cloak myself in my suffering. And that is just stupid, so I’m gonna stop. (Hopefully. We all know that I suck at stopping things, I’ve been talking about the evils of Little Debbie for MONTHS now.)
I can be pretty snarky. It’s a gift and a curse. If I’m talking to the right person, they get me and laugh, but if I’m talking to the wrong person they are hurt by it. I need to learn how to balance that out and not just balance but actually care when I say something hurtful to someone. I don’t really now. I’m kind of like “If I offend you, then you’re a pansy, peace out”. And that isn’t very Christ-like. I mean, Christ did let people walk away from Him when they were offended (John Chapter 6) but he never did it because he felt justified in offending people, He allowed them to walk away because it was their choice and He had done nothing but speak the truth in love perfectly. I am not Jesus, I can not speak the truth in love perfectly, so if someone is hurt by my words, I need to examine them and see if I need to apologize. I need to examine them before they come out of my mouth!
Speaking of laughing and me being a sinner. So, you know how sometimes you say “If I were God, I would do ____ to all the people who get on my nerves?” I do, which is why I’m not God, because I thing about this kind of stuff. Anyway the _____ happened to someone who is a huge pain in my neck and I laughed. Cue conversation between me, myself, my angel and Jesus about whether me laughing was a sin. I didn’t laugh at this person’s misfortune, I laughed that ____ happened to someone who gets on my nerves and God KNOWS that ___ is what I would do to them if I were Him. After this 10 minute conversation I could just picture Jesus sitting down and ordering a shot. I still don’t know if it was a sin for me to laugh, but I have to go to confession anyway so I’ll see what Father says. I wonder if I am the only one who has these kinds of conversations. I probably shouldn’t even blog about them because to someone who isn’t Catholic it seems like maybe I have voices in my head. Sooooo, I might be blogging from a rubber room soon.
Have a great weekend!!!!! For more Quick Takes go see Jennifer at Conversion Diary and buy her book!