Yesterday I was talking to my husband and I said “In the last six weeks since I’ve been in therapy….” and then I realized that I didn’t really know how long I’ve been in therapy so I went to go look at my emails to see when I first emailed my therapist and it’s been 8 months. 8 months is a lot different from 6 weeks! I didn’t even realize that it’s been that long. I have the greatest therapist.
What I have learned in therapy is that I am ok. When I started going I really thought that I was the worst human being to walk the Earth. Because if I wasn’t then I would not still be acting how I did before I became Catholic, married the love of my life and did things all the “right way”. What I have come to understand is that even though my conversion changed my life, it did not change the things that I went through as a child. Those things still need to be dealt with.
I am also not responsible for what other people think or feel. I can only deal with my thoughts and my feelings. I am responsible to not go around being a jerk and hurting others, but as long as I am not doing that then how they feel and what they think is on them, and not me.
I am a codependent love addict. Whaaaa? I really would have punched my ownself in the face for saying that 8 months ago because it sounds like some hippie dippy bullshit, but really it is true. I read this book on love addiction and it pretty much sums up every relationship pattern in my entire life. I really wish that someone had told me about this a long time ago. Now I’m on my way to making changes in my reactions, actions and thinking so that I can stop being a hot mess. Well, I think that I will keep enough hot mess so that I’m not boring, but there is a huge gap between interesting and just plain crazy. I’m not setting people’s cars on fire anymore, but I’m also not free from the temptation to want to.
I really went through a lot of crap in my life. Yes, I have done a lot of terrible things. I never really understood why I did them and I never understood why I have always felt like a wounded bird, but in looking at my life, at my childhood, at my lack of a father, it is easy to see why I did so many of those things. I have learned to forgive myself because I need to heal, and I can’t do that if I am still beating myself up over things that are done.
I have anger issues that stem from being abandoned and having to defend myself from being hurt. Because I was not capable of knowing proper coping skills to defend myself, I built up rage and then it would boil over and I would do things, like light someone’s car on fire. When I began to hang around people who thought this was an acceptable way to defend yourself, it just cemented the behavior as acceptable. When I did it felt good to stand up for myself, for people to know not to mess with me, but it was still lonely. That is the part that I couldn’t figure out how to deal with. I didn’t know how I could be the kindest person on one hand and then be the kind of person who would want to cut you if you hurt me the other. It never made sense to me. It does now. One stems from the other. I wanted to be loved so I would let people use me and I would accept all kinds of bad behaviors without standing up for myself. Then when whoever it was was done with me, then I would snap. I am learning how to control that from jump start by taking care of myself emotionally and knowing that I am good, just as God made me.
How to handle haters
Where to even begin with this one… I don’t know. But the fact is that they exist. I have them. Maybe it’s my fault, maybe it isn’t but the fact is that I can’t do anything but take the high road now. Which I try to do most days. I do not trust my judgment on how to deal with them when they come out of nowhere (and by they, I mean “she” because I have one big hater who is actively going around hatin’). Because of this, I have a group of people who support me and who I can turn to for advice on how to deal with certain things. People who help me look out for me in acceptable ways. I also have learned how to stand up for myself without bashing anyone else, because that is a clear sign of insecurity. In the last 8 months I have learned how to be secure. Not in myself, but in Jesus Christ who is came to this world to seek the lost and break us free from the chains of sin. By His Grace, I have been set free from a few of mine.