It seems like some people think that I’m “ok” with my life in slutville. And that my last blog post was all about me,me,me. Yeah it kind of is, because all I know is my conversion. I can’t speak to others conversions. I do not think that my life was “ok”, if I did there would be no need for repentance, confession or a Redeemer. It didn’t feel good to feel unloved, longing for love, being heart-broken when the next guy used me and left me, anyone who thinks that needs a little heartbreak in their life. It also didn’t feel good to be raped at the age of 5. So that’s kind of rude. But I get that a lot of people like to sit on their high horse and never consider the pain of another and how Christ heals that pain and He does great things to let us know that we are loved, like die on a Cross for us. And give me a wedding dress from Goodwill, a wedding day with fathers I never thought I would have and a husband who loves me more than I deserve. He doesn’t want us to live a life of pain. Suffering has its value, but not because it is painful, but because it teaches us that through it we can come to know that God loves us more than anything and that He can make things new through that suffering.
I once had someone tell me that when Jesus said for us to be perfect as Our Father in Heaven is perfect that He didn’t mean to be the most pious person alive, He meant for us to be whole. That blew my mind because I have lived my entire life broken. I often felt like Humpty Dumpty waiting for all the King’s men to put me back together. When I encountered Christ, I found my King and all of those who love me and support me and challenge me to be better than my former self are His men that are helping put me back together, piece by piece.
I do not know how to blog any other way than to speak of my brokenness, my pain, my redemption and the things the Jesus Himself has done for me. Does it make me feel good when the Creator of the Universe lets me know that I am loved? Umm, yes, it does. And if you don’t feel good when that happens, then you need some serious miracles in your life. Ask God for them, He loves surprising us and making us feel His Love.
The problem in my old life wasn’t that I thought anything that I was doing was ok. At one point I did try to make myself believe that it was ok, but every time that I sat alone in the quiet of the night feeling the giant hole in my heart I knew better. I knew that what I was longing for was not being found in the meaningless sex that I was having. For a split second when a man was buying my drinks and hitting on me telling me that I was beautiful, or telling me how funny I was it saw a glimpse of what it was that I was looking for. But then as soon as they got what they wanted, they were out and I was alone again. Nothing about that moment felt good.
One night one of the toughest men in town, a man who other people feared, bought me 4 dozen roses (or more, I don’t remember exactly) and had them put all over my bar top as a sign of his “wanting” me. I knew this man was not good for me, that he was known for being a playa, but having that kind of show was nice. And I fell for it. A few weeks later I was getting loans to give him money which I ended up finding out was for him to take his baby momma to Six Flags and buy her a tattoo with. I felt so stupid and used and I hated everything about myself at that point. So, no, I don’t think that I was “ok” or that my life was just fine and no seeing a nun sing “Like A Virgin” doesn’t make me feel good about my mistakes. I own them all. But what it does do is help me realize that I had no clue how to love. I didn’t know how to love myself, God, my kids or anyone else for that matter. I was broken, not “ok” and God’s mercy is putting me back together so that I can be whole. He did not make me broken, He made me whole and this journey, this conversion, is about reconciling myself, who I really am, back to Him so that I can be who HE made me in the first place. What He does for me, what He gives me is better than a thousand roses. For one thing, He gave me my husband and that right there is how He proves that He loves me every day of my life.
My first instinct is to be mad and hurt that anyone would take my post to mean that I just want to feel good. Because that is complete bullshit. I look at my Lord and Savior hanging on a Cross and know that Love like that isn’t meant to always feel good. What I want is to learn how to love.