I feel like it’s been a year since I wrote a blog post! I’ve been really busy……Um… that’s a lie, I took Christmas vacation to sit with my husband and binge watch Netflix. It was fabulous. We haven’t taken time off like that is so long that it was really nice. We didn’t go anywhere or doing anything. We just sat and watched hours and hours of Grey’s Anatomy. Well, I did, my husband did get up and put on pants to go check the mail and get some food. He can’t sit and do nothing for too long. I can. I can sit and read or watch TV for days and days. Especially when it is cold.
That is one of those things about marriage, living with someone who is completely the opposite of you in some ways. I had forgotten just how much I loved all those things about my husband that make him who he is. It may seem weird but watching Grey’s really reminded me of how lucky I am to be married to my husband. It also reminded me how important friendships are. For the past few years I have secluded myself in my house only talking to the friends of mine who live in the computer and not making a real effort to get out with friends in real life. I hate making friends. I sometimes say that it’s because of my age but the truth is that I don’t like rejection and there always comes that point with someone where one of you doesn’t like the other. Sure you love them as a human beings and you wish them well, but you just don’t want to hang out with them. It’s an awkward moment like dating and it gives me hives. The truth is that it comes in marriage too. Most people think that is a sign that it’s time to get a divorce but what I learned this Advent and Christmas is that isn’t the case. That is when it is time to get to know your spouse again.
In the daily grind it is easy to lose sight of who the person you are married to is. They change. You change. Life changes. And when you are busy just trying to get by and keep your head above water, get the bills paid and dealing with the crises of the children (and there is always a crisis with one of the children, even when they are grown and don’t live in the house anymore) that you forget to look at the new things in the life of the person you married. When you are dating it is easy to know those things because everything is new and you can’t wait to talk to them and tell them about it all, but in marriage it is hard. You are so busy working and living that you just assume you know what is going on with them. Then they start to get on your nerves and you think that maybe you have fallen out of love. Honestly, I had started to fall for that lie with everything going on this past year.
I know in my head that love is a choice but I had failed to really understand that sometimes it is a hard choice and when that happens we have to take time to fix it. That time will not magically appear, but it is something that needs to be carved out of life. Purposely and without apology because marriage and our spouse are worth it.
Watching the love story on the show play out reminded me of how me and my husband’s love story unfolded. How handsome he is and how much I love that he can’t go more than a day without putting on pants and going to check the mail. He needs coffee and cigarettes when he wakes up and he has to shave to feel like he’s not rotting away. He is still my husband even if some of his tastes and habits change. He is still the love of my life even if the last year has really brought out the worst in both of us, it has also brought out the best in us. Like the part of us that forgives the other so we can be deeper in love than we were on our wedding day. Life is hard, love is hard, happily ever after is full of tears, but it’s worth it to wake up next to a person that God gave you to help you get through it all.
Love requires us to give ourselves to another person and being open to that person hurting us. If that isn’t a possibility then there isn’t real love because love is total and that requires handing over that part of yourself that is capable of being wounded. Jesus set that example for us when He was born in a manger, used to feed the animals, as a helpless newborn only to grow up and hand Himself over to us again to nail Him to a Cross. He loved us so much that He let us kill Him to save us. That’s what love is. In marriage we have to do that time and time again. It’s painful, bloody, messy and the most beautiful thing all at the same time. I have no idea how that works, but I know that for the first time in 12 months I have a peace in my soul that I haven’t ever had, even right after my conversion. I have found the greatest peace in no longer fearing being hurt. I kind of think this is what the Saints talk about when they say nailing our sufferings to the Cross with our Lord is what how we redeem them.
I know who I am, I know where I am going , I know that I love my husband more than I love myself and that my children have my prayers and their angels to help them get back to the One their hearts are made for. I am not scared. I am not worried. I am God’s and He is good. If Jesus died on a Cross to save me then what wouldn’t He do for me? Nothing. The only thing I have to do is trust Him and love Him back.