I have had this book on St. Therese for a pretty long time. In the chaos of life, both good and bad chaos, I have fallen very behind in my reading. I’m also in school now for a Bachelor’s degree in Philosophy and taking three summer classes, so I am reading a lot, but it’s for class which is very different even if I do love it. But this book has been calling me. Every day that I wake up, I see it on the shelf and it’s calling me to pick it up. Anyone who knows anything about St. Therese knows that this is how she works.
Today was the day that I picked it up and have made a goal of finishing it. I’m still on the first chapter and I’m already sitting here writing to process something that hit me hard.
I read a sentence in this book in which Jesus is asking the question “When will they love me?” after a paragraph that talked about all that Jesus gave us of Himself: His Blood, His Body, The Eucharist and lastly His Sacred Heart (the Feast that we celebrated yesterday). And yet, He still wonders when we will see that and love Him back. My first reaction to that was to think “Well, I do love Jesus, so I’m not part of that problem”, but then as usually, my angel had something to say and I remembered that I didn’t go to Mass last weekend. Not because I was in turmoil, or because something came up or anything that was justified, but because I was tired and took a nap. I could have gone in the morning, I could have not taken a nap, I could have set an alarm, but I didn’t. And that isn’t even the worst part, the worst part is that I was relieved to not have to get ready, wrestle with the kids and make that exhausting effort that is dragging a family to Mass. How can that be love? I was relieved to not go and spend time with Jesus because it was too hard on me.
As if that was not enough to get me thinking about love and how I fail to do it, I realized that I also don’t make breakfast for my husband. This morning I went into his office and told him that I would really love it if we could have date night in the middle of the week because my Love Language is quality time and when I go all week without time with him I hate everything. He sat in his office chair smiling at me as he listened to me and said “Yes babe, I have to figure out how to do it after working all day in this heat, but I’ll figure it out.” and with that, I walked out of his office feeling loved and heard. Then I wondered what I could do for him that would make him feel the same. Nothing came to mind until after I realized that I do not truly love Christ as I should. That’s when it hit me that I don’t love my husband as I should either because this man has been asking me to make him breakfast for the entire 7 years that we have been together. A request that I always make excuses to avoid fulfilling. Most of those excuses based on my feelings and laziness. Like the fact that I would rather sleep instead of getting up to make my husband breakfast. Kind of how I would rather sleep than go to Mass. Do you see the vice at the root of these two things?
It’s not just these two things either. Laziness has become a sin for me because it is the main reason that I fail to love anyone at all. I’m addicted to Facebook and I’m lazy. Those two things are keeping me from loving my God, my husband, my kids and doing my very best in school which God is asking of me. It’s also keeping me from loving myself because it is the one reason why I don’t workout.
Pretty much anytime I think of doing anything or I am asked to do anything I think of how I can get out of it so that I can take a nap. I’m not saying there is anything wrong with naps, alone time or anything but when it gets in the way of my relationship with God, doing something to make my husband feel loved and spending time listening to my kids, it’s an issue.
This very minute I am thinking of what time Confession is so that I can go confess this and get back on track and also thinking about how I wanna take a nap. It’s a problem ya’ll. I’ve been to a doctor and there is nothing wrong with me, I never catch up on sleep no matter how much I sleep and not doing anything doesn’t make me feel alive, it makes me bored and want to jump off a bridge, but I don’t want to leave the house either. Something has to give. Who is the Patron Saint of Nappers… I mean lazy people?
I have told myself that I’m making a grocery list and making breakfast for my husband. I am going to confession today and I’m logging off Facebook for the week, other than work related things. And I’m going to daily Mass. For starters. Something that Heather King said in my interview with her was that she “orders her day”. I do not do this, I just go through my day winging it. So I’m going to try and order my days this week and see how that works to help this laziness so I can love those who love me.
Have any of you had this issue and how did you defeat it?