Being Lost in the Fog

As I sit in my favorite coffee shop in my little suburb outside of Austin on the Feast of St. Anthony of Padua, I am thinking about my life and everything I’ve been through and every blessing God has bestowed on my life.

Last week was difficult. There were two high profile suicides in the news. Everyone was talking about suicide, suicide prevention and reaching out to one another.

I got several texts and messages from people asking how I was doing and a few of those people asked if I would like to meet for lunch or coffee. I’ll be honest with you, I didn’t. I wanted to stay at home and stare out the window as I ached for Anthony to walk in the front door even though I know that is not going to happen. But I said yes because these people are my favorite people and seeing them makes me happy.

One of them is my mentor Tammy. We disagree on everything political, that’s not an exaggeration either, we literally don’t agree on one single political issue. But we love each other. Not only does she love me, but she listens to me when I talk, she cares about my story. Whatever that story is right now. She has the best advice but it doesn’t come out as advice, it’s more of encouragement that you can use practically. I always leave her company feeling confident in myself and hopeful that things can and will be ok.

When I think about having people like Tammy in my life I can see how desperate God is to let me know I am loved. How He loves me and wants the best for me and the best is what He has created me for if only I pay attention to Him telling me which way to go.

Grief has made me deaf to His voice. I see Him all around me, I sense His prodding for me to do this or that. For instance, He has been prodding me to go to confession for two weeks now and today He has been insisting I go to Adoration. I know it is Him because the desire to encounter Him in those two things come from Him. He always moves first. But in my grief, I can’t really hear Him. I know it is Him and I know what I should do, but I just don’t do it.

This is a lot like depression when people you love “reach out” to you. It is how I felt when people reached out to me and asked me to lunch and coffee. I know they love me, I know they want to see me and I know they want to help. But the weight of grief, stress, constant crisis management at home and business all make me so tired that saying “yes” to those invites is not easy. Even when I know they will make me feel better.

As I think about how great seeing my mentor was, I realize that now I need to say “Yes” to God’s invite to go see Him.

What better day than the Feast of St. Anthony. The saint I named my son after and the Patron Saint of lost things. Boy do I feel lost in this fog of grief and heartache.

Please pray for me.

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