When people say to me that they admire my faith, I often wonder if they are seeing something I’m not presenting because my faith is shaky at best and nonexistent at worst. So I was thinking about it this morning and I had an epiphany.
Faith is this weird thing that we do but isn’t about actions. Faith is like taking time to look at the sun shining through a cloud. The sun does not change. It shines the way it shines no matter what is standing between it and us. And it shines even if we are not looking at it. The sun does not change based on how we feel, if we are too busy to look at it or if we look at it at the same time every day just for the sake of looking at it.
God is like the sun. He does not change. Faith is me taking the time to look at Him and let His love shine on my face and let myself feel the warmth of that. Faith is me taking the time to do that because I know I am solar powered and also because I know God and I love each other. The same way I take time every single day to message my husband because he loves me and I love him and I want to talk to him at least once a day. A relationship with God is the same for me. That’s faith.
I think my mistake is that for most of my life I have had this idea in my mind of what things are based on who knows what. My idea of faith was perfection. If I had faith, I would not be angry at God for Anthony’s suicide, if I had Faith, I would just believe Anthony is with God and not question it, if I had Faith I would love going to Mass and it wouldn’t be a struggle to get my ass in that pew, if I had Faith I would not hold grudges and be jealous of what others have. On and on and on. But none of that is true. Those are sins and humanness. You can be a human & sinner AND have faith at the same time. In fact, that is what the saints teach us.
God’s Love for us does not change. He loves us the same when we are at Mass as He does when we are flipping someone off in traffic. He is the Sun, He does not change. It is us that changes. We can love more clearly and fully when we will ourselves to forgive, to not flip people off, to not be rude to those who are rude to us. But none of that changes God’s love for us. Knowing that while working towards sainthood is a strong Faith.