After daily Mass I love to sit in the Church until the lights get turned down and everyone leaves. It is just me and Jesus.
I am an emotional person who puts a lot of weight on feelings. I react to things based on my feelings, I sometimes wallow in my feelings and I put way too much emphasis on how I am feeling.
When I sit in this dark Church I do not feel happy or loved or at peace. But I AM. I am happy. I am loved and I am at peace and I know that in my soul when I sit here in the dark facing my God in His little golden house.
Nowhere else do I have such a deep knowledge of who I am like I do when I’m in here after Mass sitting in the stillness. It inspires me to be me. It makes me whole. It helps me understand the meaning of life. It makes me want to write and dance and take a long nap.
I am safe here. I am at home here. And it has nothing to do with my feelings or if anyone has given me permission to be here or believe what I believe. It is so much more than that.
In here, I am good. Not because of what I do or don’t do but because God says I am good. I am good because He is Good and I am made in His image. I am good because He loves me and God only loves Good things. He can’t love anything that is not good. It is impossible.
Here in this dark Church I can feel my son. I can also feel my grief for him. And the joy of the gift of being able to love him. I am a mother and being a mother is the strongest thing I could have ever been. Being a mother made me a warrior.
This is my Home. This is where I find myself. This is where I am loved unconditionally.
The lost sheep that was found and brought back to the 99.