Hope and Jello Shots

I miss parties. Like, I really miss people and parties and bars and shots. Jello shots in particular. Why Jello shots? Well, because they are delish and then they punch you right in the face when you least expect it. One minute you are walking around totally ok and then next you are fucked up and it is because you had some freakin’ jello with vodka in it which is hilarious. So you are basically lit off Jello and it makes me laugh every time. Could also be the vodka that makes me think it is so hilarious.

I miss talking to a stranger at the bar about some random things like his 8th wife leaving him. Or laughing with my husband about the time we spent the night somewhere and woke up covered in fleas so we left to find a hotel but there wasn’t any rooms anywhere so we slept on the side of the road.

I miss friends. Which is saying something because I find myself walking around my house saying I have no friends, but I do, it is just Covid has me thinking I do not. I kind of miss hangovers with Stace.

I really miss Anthony. I miss life before he was dead. And just like this pandemic, I had no warning that his suicide was coming. I felt like something bad was coming but who really would have thought that it was actually going to happen. That my kid was going to die in the garage on a random Weds afternoon while I was in the Chik Fil A drive thru. Seriously…. it’s crazy. Just as crazy as one day everything in the world being shut down because there is a virus spreading like wildfire. And there are also actual wildfires too.

People ask me how I find hope. And I laugh. I do not find hope at all. I think everything is pointless and I cannot even bring myself to pray right now. Not because I do not believe in God, but because what is the point of praying? It is all going to happen how it is going to happen. And if you pray and get what you want then what about those who do not? So someone prays their child does not die and then they don’t, what does that say about those who prayed for the same thing and their child does dies? Did their prayers not work? Did they not pray right? Did God not care about them and their child?

I think that we have to step outside of what prayer is and what it is about. Prayer is not about getting God to do what we want, it is about taking our pain and our suffering to Him and talking to Him about it. And the ask is for God to help us carry our crosses, not to take them away.

God loves us. A lot. That is why I can write to you about how much I miss the bar and Jello shots because it is true and God already knows and has heard all about how much I miss people and bars and shots. He knows. And He loves me anyway. He loves me when I am sad because my son is dead. He loves me when I am flipping someone off in traffic, He loves me when I am at Mass. The only difference is how much I respond to His love and how I do that. Sometimes….. I do not flip that person off and it is because I love God.

I think maybe that is what is what hope is in real life. It is just knowing that no matter what God loves us and we always have the choice to love Him back.