Lent is Right Around the Corner!

Here we are again, Lent is right around the corner. For as long as I can remember Lent has been a significant thing in my life. Even before I was a practicing Catholic. My family was culturally Catholic and I observed Lent as part of my culture even though I had no idea what it was really about or why we didn’t eat meat on Fridays during Lent. Also, when I was sixteen I got a job at Long John Silver’s for two years so Lent was this big huge deal at work. To be honest, those years of working the drive-thru at LJS really made me sure that the one thing I never was gonna be was Catholic.

Then I became one. HA HA HA God is hilarious.

Lent as a Catholic was this incredible thing. But then we got the Lent Lice and then Lent Crisis after Lent Crisis happened and it became increasingly more and more difficult to focus on anything other than “LENT SUCKS”. Lent felt like a new school year where I would get all my supplies together and ready to go because THIS year was going to be THE year that I used them and did things the “right way”.

Then Lent of 2017, one week exactly after Ash Wednesday, my son Anthony hung himself in our family home in the garage. It is the year that we had a family dinner for Fat Tuesday and our first King Cake. Anthony’s oldest daughter found the baby. It was the last time that all my children would be together. Talk about Lent going downhill.

I had decided to give up Dr. Pepper and cussing for Lent that year and the second that my pastor got to the house, which was right behind the ambulance after we found Anthony, I said “I gave up cussing and Dr. Pepper for Lent but (insert f-bomb here) this, I am not giving up shit this year!” and he looked at me with the most merciful look on his face and said “I think you are covered for Lent this year and probably every Lent from now on”. As soon as the coroner took my son’s body I got in my car and drove to the nearest 7-11 and got me a Dr. Pepper. I never even finished it and it sat on the table in my bedroom for a year until I got the courage to throw it away finally. It was never about the Dr. Pepper. I was just so angry at God. Buying that Dr. Pepper was my way of flipping Him off.

Last year was a haze, but the one devotion that has truly helped me process my grief and to understand that God did not punish us with death, but death is a consequence of sin and God in His love and Mercy sent His Son to redeem and conquer death, has been Sr. Theresa Nobles’ Memento Mori social media takeover. You can read more about what this devotion has done for me in my review of her Momento Mori journal.

This Lent she has just released her Lent Devotional. I think I am ready to gather my supplies and try to observe Lent again and I with this devotional, I can do that while also observing the anniversary of Anthony’s suicide. Which is the first Friday of Lent this year so there is no way to ignore it. It’s right at the beginning and I am hoping Sister’s devotional will help me to use Lent as a time to process my grief and help me to spend that time praying for Anthony.

I am planning on sharing daily reflections throughout Lent using this devotional and the Memento Mori Journal on my Patreon, If you would like to join in, please go check out my Patreon and become a Patron. And if you know of anyone who is grieving this Lent, please consider gifting them with this Memento Mori gift set for this Lent. It is beautiful and so so helpful in understanding death and looking towards God who is on the other side of it for those who love Him.

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Motivation for the Poor

Something I’ve been noticing a lot lately is this new fad of motivational speakers and writers telling everyone how to “make it big” and they all basically say the same thing while using their own story of how the did it. The majority of these people are middle class white women who are “allies” of people of color (a term I HATE by the way and do not understand why brown and black people seem to not get how close it sounds to “colored people”, but that’s another blog post that is sitting in my drafts because I am not really ready for the flame-throwing that will bring me) and who don’t seem to see that their motivational advice is all basically the same and all for one specific audience: people with privileges that poor people do not have. Not just poor people, but people living the struggle.

I do not mean the “oh I had to be on bed rest” struggle either.  I mean the struggle of generational poverty and trauma. Of being a single mother and grandmother who has to wait tables to make ends meet or have more than one job. The people who are working for minimum wage at the conferences where these motivational gurus are speaking. The people who never had the chance to go to college and even if they did, they would be behind socially because we have to learn a new language around kids who went to good schools. People who are worried about racism and how it is an issue that they live, not just learn about in books and on the internet. People without insurance or a spouse or whose whole family has been riddled with addiction. People with a criminal record that means they will never get a job with benefits. People with bad credit which means they can’t rent an apartment or ever own a home. People who struggle with every single one of the issues that I just wrote at the same time. Who is helping these people learn to figure out and follow their dreams?

I’ll tell you Who: Jesus.

Yeah, I said it. Jesus. The one Name you don’t hear much of even though a lot of these spunky motivational speakers will say they are Christians. They use Christianity as a badge of honor but they do not dare speak His name or say anything about His Gospel.

Something I have been thinking about a lot this week is how equal holiness makes us. It does not matter how much money you have, what kind of family you were born into, whether or not you are a millionaire or work seventeen jobs, holiness is attainable for everyone. Not only is it attainable, but it is the purpose of our entire existence. THAT is the true goal of our lives, to be made into saints.

The key words are “be made into”. It is much easier to become a multi-millionaire than it is to be made into a saint.  Because allowing God to make you a saint means that your entire life will be set on fire right before your very eyes. Suffering is the fire that God uses to make saints (He does not cause the suffering, He USES it).

He will perform surgery on your life to take out every single rotten thing out of it and you will not be put under while it is happening. No, it will be painful. So so painful.

I can totally see why these nice, kind, superficial, easy and full of the prosperity gospel “methods” are so in fashion and so marketable while stories of suffering and being nailed to a Cross are not. I can tell you for sure that if I had known the amount of heartache, suffering and all around bullshit my life as a Christian seeking holiness would bring me, I would have run so fast the other way.

I did not know because God dupes us lost sheep all the time, it’s his MO. Just read the lives of the Saints, the unedited versions. He swoons us, loves us, does miraculous things for us and then our lives go right into the toilet. Motivational speeches and “how-to” books do not help when that happens. The only thing that helps is clinging to Jesus who went before us and Who hung on His Cross saying “Why have you forsaken me?”.

Blessed are the Poor in Spirit, for theirs will be the Kingdom of God. 

That is the motivation for the poor. He isn’t a motivational speaker, He doesn’t give us a “how to be a success” plan, He gives us salvation.

Sex, Marriage and Grief

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I have recently started writing again on my own website. I am still over at Patheos and plan to stay there but I also want to just write here as well. I don’t really know why I want to do both but I do.

Yesterday I realized that a lot of my very old and original blog posts are on this website and people are reading them. That is good because I love the traffic but it is bad because so much has happened since I wrote those posts. For one thing, my husband and I have been through a lot of shit.

When I first started blogging after my conversion I was very cheerful, happy and a bit full of myself. I was a new convert and a newlywed. My conversion was amazing. God moved mountains for me and I was feeling the love from everyone because my testimony is really miraculous. Plus I loved the Church, the pro-life movement and I was saying all the right things because I was new at everything.

I still love the Church and I am still in love with Christ to the max. But I have matured in a lot of ways, including how I talk on issues like marriage, sex, and the abortion. My politics have changed now that I realize you don’t have to be a Republican to be Catholic. The election of Donald Trump as President freed me from that lie, thank God for that.

I am still very much obedient to Church teaching on everything. Marriage is a Sacrament between a man and woman but I don’t feel the need to disown all my gay friends or to lecture them constantly on my beliefs. That is a good thing because it gives us a lot more time to love each other. I missed them so much!

I am still against abortion and believe that it is the ending of an innocent human life but instead of sharing all these angry posts on Facebook about it, I do what I can to support women in having their children. I support equal pay, health insurance, assistance for women in low-income situations, housing programs and whatever else I can support that will support women and families to thrive. And sometimes that means standing with pro-choice women in getting those things done. I have become so consistently pro-life that I can see the dignity of the human person, even the one who disagrees with me. I also believe there is so much more to being pro-life than abortion. I believe suicide, mental illness and the current situation with mass shootings are all part of the pro-life stance as well. I have lost a lot of faith in the Pro-Life Movement itself but I am still Catholic which is really the important thing. I have no use for pro-life celebrities to tell me what to think and do. I have a catechism and spiritual director to help me be holy, which is my end goal.

I no longer see sex as the most important thing in the life of a married couple. Most of my life has been centered around sex. That’s just the truth. Sex is a part of my marriage but it is not my marriage itself. I learned this the hard way the day that my husband and I stood over the body of my oldest son. What made that man a husband was him taking care of my son, standing next to me as I made funeral arrangements, and when he got me to eat and sleep for the year after we buried that boy. Marriage is so much deeper than I ever knew and I wish I had not learned it this way, but I did and I am so thankful for my husband. Sex is what we share with each other and nobody else but the real foundation of a marriage is serving each other in ways that you don’t serve anyone else.

Finally, I am not so chipper. That is not to say that I am not happy to be Catholic. I am. I am honored to be the mother of these children and to be a grandmother. My family makes me very happy and I have moments where I can feel the joy of God shining on my face. I can breathe. I can love and I am laughing again. But I also know that grief is real and it is also a part of life. I know terrible things happen in the blink of an eye. I know that there are days, weeks, months and maybe even years when some prayer intention seems to not be making it to God’s ear. None of that changes how good God is or why I am a Christian. If anything, it makes it more clear to me why I am one!

There is probably a lot more that I could clear up, but really, if you read my old posts, just know that I am so different now in so many ways. There is before Anthony died and then after. He died on March 8, 2017, for reference. If you read anything I wrote before then, chances are I have an entirely different view than I did then.